A couple of weeks ago, I had a really really bad day at home, my Dad was being extremely difficult as he sometimes is and it got too much for me to keep it together. I called my Mum at work, which is something I just don’t do. I don’t go crying to my Mum. Ever. As soon as she heard me attempting to talk through the tears (you know those deep, heavy breaths after you’ve cried so much you can’t breathe properly, the kind of noise that children make when they’ve lost their favorite toy and can’t live without it….yep, that’s the noise I was making down the phone) she left work and came home. Luckily she works in a bookies, and her boss is amazing, so she was home in 5 minutes, otherwise I would have been even more of a wreak.
She came home and cuddled me, and I cried in her arms for about 20 minutes. We talked, and she said to me that I need to tell her if this is all getting too much. She doesn’t want me to be getting stressed out and worked up like this again, and that she’ll quit her job and take over looking after Dad if I want to go out and get a job. She called my brother over to sit with Dad, and we went out for dinner.
Today I had another bad day, and my resentment is growing. I don’t want to care for my Dad full time in the long term, but I don’t think my mum would cope, and my brother isn’t up for the challenge. Other than that, there is nobody else. I keep on telling myself that it’s my duty; my Dad cared for me growing up, so now surely I should care for him as he’s growing old. The media is always telling stories about how old people are forgotten about, and families aren’t doing enough to care for them. And how many stories do you read about care home staff abusing the vulnerable? And anyway, he’s 64, he’s too young to go into a care home regardless.
The point is, I don’t feel comfortable talking to mum about it again. I’ve spoken to my partner, and he’s suggested writing a short book about my experiences; about how I’m picking up the pieces of my Dad’s bad life choices for the last 50 years or so, he thinks it would inspire people to make a change for their childrens’ sake. I’m terrible at writing, so that idea is out of the question, but I can restart my blog, and that’s what I’m going to do.
During the week, I will make a note of things that happen, or that I do, that I will then write about it at the weekend. That way, I can release my emotions without having to get emotional, win win!