Oh, I’m a mess right now

So my life is a mess.

I haven’t been on here for a long long time, but something has drawn me back. Maybe it’s because I don’t keep a diary, and I don’t want to vent to actual people for fear of them giving me the advice that I’d dish out.

I think my partner is in love with someone else. Or falling in love at least. All I know is he’s developed a very close friendship with her, and it’s all I can think about.

Before we were an item, we were friends, and we struck up a really good friendship, which led to a relationship. We were, however, both in relationships already. When I knew I loved him, I broke off my relationship and viceversa, and we waited a while to make sure it was what we wanted. And we lived happily ever after! Ha, I wish…

I’m now seeing that developing relationship echoed between him and this girl. Started out as acquaintances, then friends, and now more… I doubt anything has happened physically, I trust him to not do that, and I’d like to think that she wouldn’t do that too, but it’s all that’s running through my mind.

We’ve been arguing and fighting a lot recently, we’ve had a break and he’s still not staying at home permanently, just a couple of times a week. He prioritises work above me each and every day, and I hardly see him, which to me is not a functioning relationship when he only works 20 mins down the motorway, however he doesn’t see it that way, and think’s people have relationships like ours. They don’t. Nobody does.

I was never suspicious about it all, I thought they were just friends so it never bothered me, until he told me not to get jealous or suspicious. Then I got suspicious. I was naughty, I went through his phone. I found messages that I didn’t want to see, nothing overtly sexual, but more caring than a friendship should be, and they were videocalling each other, and sending pictures, and she cooks him dinner, he goes round to hers to watch films and lies about it. And I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told him I’ve seen the messages, I haven’t told him how insecure about it I am, how much it hurts. I simply don’t know how to breach the subject without things blowing up and ending once and for all.

The advice I’d give out would be just confront him, see what he says, and then be gone with him, and be a strong woman and move on, or try and work things out but with a little less trust. The truth is, I’ve always put him first, and had I not been in a relationship I most probably wouldn’t be in the country. I wonder whether I’d be better off single, and exploring the world, travelling, working abroad, etc. However then I remember how good our love is when it’s on track, and how much I adore this man, and I know that, ultimately, if this relationship was to end, it wouldn’t be by my making.

 

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