Am I getting it wrong?

I feel lost, betrayed and a bit pathetic to be honest. 

I took a sneaky look at his phone again last night (I know, I shouldn’t be doing), and there’s photos being exchanged, him telling her how hot she is, that he enjoyed spending time with her half naked…so I think its pretty clear that emotionally, he’s cheated. 

A quote that’s always stuck with me is along the lines of “If you fall in love with two people, always choose the second, because if you truly loved the first, you’d never have fallen again”- Bob Marley. I always thought that was a really clever way to look at it, but now it’s heartwrenching. 

I have no idea how to approach this subject now with him though…I’ve tried the whole “maybe it’s not meant to work out”, “If you have feelings for someone else I’d rather you just be honest about it” and he’s just denied it each time. Do I just come straight out with it? That I’ve seen the pictures and the conversation? That implies that I don’t trust him, which I did until last night when I saw these bits.  

I feel pathetic that I don’t have the balls to simply end things and put myself first for once. It could either be great, in that he’ll realise what a good thing he’s lost, or the worse thing imaginable and he’ll get together with her and settle down, and I’ll never find a man like him ♡ 

I don’t know…

Oh, I’m a mess right now

So my life is a mess.

I haven’t been on here for a long long time, but something has drawn me back. Maybe it’s because I don’t keep a diary, and I don’t want to vent to actual people for fear of them giving me the advice that I’d dish out.

I think my partner is in love with someone else. Or falling in love at least. All I know is he’s developed a very close friendship with her, and it’s all I can think about.

Before we were an item, we were friends, and we struck up a really good friendship, which led to a relationship. We were, however, both in relationships already. When I knew I loved him, I broke off my relationship and viceversa, and we waited a while to make sure it was what we wanted. And we lived happily ever after! Ha, I wish…

I’m now seeing that developing relationship echoed between him and this girl. Started out as acquaintances, then friends, and now more… I doubt anything has happened physically, I trust him to not do that, and I’d like to think that she wouldn’t do that too, but it’s all that’s running through my mind.

We’ve been arguing and fighting a lot recently, we’ve had a break and he’s still not staying at home permanently, just a couple of times a week. He prioritises work above me each and every day, and I hardly see him, which to me is not a functioning relationship when he only works 20 mins down the motorway, however he doesn’t see it that way, and think’s people have relationships like ours. They don’t. Nobody does.

I was never suspicious about it all, I thought they were just friends so it never bothered me, until he told me not to get jealous or suspicious. Then I got suspicious. I was naughty, I went through his phone. I found messages that I didn’t want to see, nothing overtly sexual, but more caring than a friendship should be, and they were videocalling each other, and sending pictures, and she cooks him dinner, he goes round to hers to watch films and lies about it. And I don’t know what to do. I haven’t told him I’ve seen the messages, I haven’t told him how insecure about it I am, how much it hurts. I simply don’t know how to breach the subject without things blowing up and ending once and for all.

The advice I’d give out would be just confront him, see what he says, and then be gone with him, and be a strong woman and move on, or try and work things out but with a little less trust. The truth is, I’ve always put him first, and had I not been in a relationship I most probably wouldn’t be in the country. I wonder whether I’d be better off single, and exploring the world, travelling, working abroad, etc. However then I remember how good our love is when it’s on track, and how much I adore this man, and I know that, ultimately, if this relationship was to end, it wouldn’t be by my making.

 

Light at the end of the tunnel

I went for an interview last week, for a managers position. As you can imagine, being out of work for 2 years, and not having managed anywhere for 5 years, it was quite a shock to get a reply, let alone an email, but hey ho, I did!
And it went pretty well too! I have a trial shift this Thursday! 🙂 Fingers crossed for me eh? ^.^ It’s long hours though, and my mum will be working on my two days off, so that aspect of it is gonna be tough. I’m excited though, I can’t wait to develop myself and finally get a career! There is nothing I want more in this world than to be able to buy a house with my partner and start a family ❤

I thought that when I got a job, I’d be able to start going to the gym regularly too, but it turns out the hours just don’t accommodate for that, so I am now going to embark on a scary journey of increased fitness and cleaner eating, documented on here. I already know that nobody reads my blog, but committing to writing daily updates should kick my arse into gear and make me!
In my head I’m thinking ‘How hard can it be, really? I see thousands of women on Instagram with perfect bodies, eating avocado and crap like that’. But in reality, I know that my willpower level is close to zero. I have so many good intentions, but they’re just that: intentions. I never actually put action to them, but this time is going to be different. I’m not going to tell anyone close to me, because I get so disheartened when I slip up and everyone says ‘ha, I told you so!’. That just makes me feel shit and quit. I’m going to do this secretly, and prove everyone wrong in the long run.

I need to create a new routine, it takes 22 days apparently doesn’t it. 22 days of getting up early, putting on some gym gear and getting into my kitchen to do a home CrossFit workout. Making scrambled eggs afterwards, and preparing dinner. Make a huge batch of delicious soup for lunches throughout the week, and I’ve cracked it! Now to put that into action…

See you tomorrow!

Claire x

 

 

Where am I at?

So, I got unproductively obsessed with Pretty Little Liars during December (Hello Netflix!), so everything got put off whilst I spent every possible moment watching all 6 seasons! But that’s done with now, until season 6 starts again soon! 😀
I’ve started my job applications again! I was applying to a couple a week beforehand, and went to a few interviews but they were mostly sales, and that’s not really a career I want to get into. I’d love a  geeky science-based job in a lab, or something similar…science is the most fascinating area ever ❤ I just feel that I want to learn everything about everything! I want to absorb every little bit of knowledge about the universe, and my memory is shocking so I fail! 😦

Things with my Dad are difficult…I thought we were all okay, plodding on as you do, but he’s started telling mum that I’m hitting him 😐 You can’t possibly have any idea how that feels unless you’ve been in those shoes. To sacrifice everything; the hope of getting a graduate job, the chances of moving out, the possibility of having children, everything, to care for someone who then tells lies that you’re hurting them…it’s sickening. It’s the most upsetting and infuriating feeling, that everything I do is worth nothing in his eyes… My mum knows I haven’t been, he’s even told her I’ve hit him whilst she’s been sat in the next room, and I have no idea why he would ever think of doing that.
Last night he told her that I hated him, that I’d screamed and shouted in his face, and told him that I’d told him I hated him. The reason? I tell tales apparently: Mum comes home and asks how Dad has been during the day, so I tell her. But apparently I run out to the car to meet her and spill the beans on every single thing he’s said or done all day -.-

Why do I bother?

Lets make a change!

Good afternoon!

Reading back through my few posts, I sound like a moody teenager! Let me tell you, that isn’t the case at all! Ed Sheeran once said in an interview that someone once observed that most of his songs sound depressing, and he replied that of course they were, because when he was happy, he was out enjoying life, and when he wasn’t so happy, he would sit and reflect whilst writing music. This is a similar thing, when I’m happy, I’m generally busy with friends or my partner, or playing Trivial Persuit or Monopoly, wrapping Christmas presents or baking.
When I’m not so happy, I sit on my laptop and brood, hence the miserable blog posts!
This isn’t a true reflection of me as a person, and so here’s to people seeing the new me!

Yesterday, I spend the morning baking yummy banana and chai seed bread, drizzled with Hershey’s chocolate syrup! ❤ Yes please! My evening was spent wrapping the first of my Christmas pressies, something I will elaborate on in my next post!

Today, I have applied for another job, and I’m preparing for an online interview I have tomorrow, very nervous about it as I’ve been out of work for over a year and I’m terribly inexperienced when it comes to interviews, so wish me luck! 😀 

Claire x

Let me tell you the difference between girls and boys..

So it occurred to me during the week whilst doing some mundane cleaning, that my life would be completely different had I been born a boy. You see, I’m fiercely independent; since I was young, I have done all my own cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping, paid my way in this world, studied hard, looked after myself etc. I’m now 22, and completely capable of surviving in the world on my own.

My brother on the other hand is 26, can’t work a washing machine, doesn’t cook unless it’s a microwave meal or pre-made food that you can bang in the oven for 20 minutes, granted he does the cleaning (badly), and hasn’t studied since school, and yet he is the one who has moved out and has his own (rented) home. I can’t tell you how amazing it would be for me to have my own space, to chill out in, to fill with lots of cute things, to keep immaculately clean, to be proud of, to simply call my own. But I’m starting to doubt whether that will ever happen for me, because I wasn’t born a boy.

There seems to be an unwritten rule that the daughters of the family inherit the role of looking after everyone else and put themselves last. Isn’t that what feminists fought against? That both sexes should be equal in all respects, not just wages at work or the ability to get certain jobs, but equal in all areas of life?
Every female I know is caring for others in one way or another, as mothers, sisters, daughters, any relationship really, but you don’t see that with men. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a rant again men, it’s more against the thought processes that this role is expected amongst women, yet celebrated as something extraordinary when a man takes up this role.

As a 22 year old carer, I live at home with both my parents. I receive £60 a week carers allowance, and £59 a fortnight income support. I have expenses which leaves me with not a lot left over, especially if I want to grab a Costa when I’m out, or go for a meal with friends. I also have a student overdraft to pay off, which I doubt I’ll get paid off, and will end up in further debt because of. Even if I were to move out, I can’t go more than 1 mile away or I get nothing, and because I’m under 25, I’m no longer eligible for housing benefit under our brilliant new government. I will never be able to move out with that income/expense situation, and I’ve resigned myself to that fact. But that doesn’t make it suck any less, and if it sucks, then I’m going to complain about it -.-

Claire xx

Win – Win!

A couple of weeks ago, I had a really really bad day at home, my Dad was being extremely difficult as he sometimes is and it got too much for me to keep it together. I called my Mum at work, which is something I just don’t do. I don’t go crying to my Mum. Ever. As soon as she heard me attempting to talk through the tears (you know those deep, heavy breaths after you’ve cried so much you can’t breathe properly, the kind of noise that children make when they’ve lost their favorite toy and can’t live without it….yep, that’s the noise I was making down the phone) she left work and came home. Luckily she works in a bookies, and her boss is amazing, so she was home in 5 minutes, otherwise I would have been even more of a wreak.

She came home and cuddled me, and I cried in her arms for about 20 minutes. We talked, and she said to me that I need to tell her if this is all getting too much. She doesn’t want me to be getting stressed out and worked up like this again, and that she’ll quit her job and take over looking after Dad if I want to go out and get a job. She called my brother over to sit with Dad, and we went out for dinner.

Today I had another bad day, and my resentment is growing. I don’t want to care for my Dad full time in the long term, but I don’t think my mum would cope, and my brother isn’t up for the challenge. Other than that, there is nobody else. I keep on telling myself that it’s my duty; my Dad cared for me growing up, so now surely I should care for him as he’s growing old. The media is always telling stories about how old people are forgotten about, and families aren’t doing enough to care for them. And how many stories do you read about care home staff abusing the vulnerable? And anyway, he’s 64, he’s too young to go into a care home regardless.

The point is, I don’t feel comfortable talking to mum about it again. I’ve spoken to my partner, and he’s suggested writing a short book about my experiences; about how I’m picking up the pieces of my Dad’s bad life choices for the last 50 years or so, he thinks it would inspire people to make a change for their childrens’ sake. I’m terrible at writing, so that idea is out of the question, but I can restart my blog, and that’s what I’m going to do.

During the week, I will make a note of things that happen, or that I do, that I will then write about it at the weekend. That way, I can release my emotions without having to get emotional, win win!

Claire x