Turning the page..

So, I haven’t written a post for a few months, and I’ve been having quite a few bad days, but then I came back on here and saw a comment that made me think…I should be trying to keep this blog up to date, and use it as a means to channel my emotions. I’m not the kind of person to talk to others about personal things, I guess I just don’t want their pity or awkward looks, so other than my amazing other half, I keep my feelings under wraps. But this blog, it’s different, I can write what I want because nobody knows me, nobody in my life knows I have it, and that’s quite a powerful thing to control. Hopefully, it may help other young adult carers out there, not necessarily in an inspiring way, but maybe to stop them feeling so lonely…you’re not alone.

I will be back to write a new post tomorrow, for now though I have to take my Dad up to bed.

Goodnight all

Claire x

That’s pretty selfish

I’m finding myself becoming more and more easily frustrated, and very resentful, and I don’t like the person I’m becoming.

As you know, my Dad also suffers from Korsakoff’s Syndrome, a lesser-known form of Dementia. A type of Dementia that is brought on through heavy drinking. His stroke was an ischaemic stroke; one caused by fatty deposits blocking the arteries in the neck, caused by a lifetime of bad dietary choices. Both of these conditions were entirely preventable, directly related to his personal choices throughout his life, and now my life revolves around his 24 hour care. That’s pretty selfish if you ask me.

What I find worse though, is my Mums opinion on the matter; each birthday/Christmas/New Year, she buys him alcohol, because “it’s not fair that he used to enjoy a drink and now can’t”. Would you do that with a drug addict? No, what’s not fair is his illness getting worse just because he wants a pint. I’m 22 and drink maybe once a year, big deal. Also, I love to cook, mainly Italian and Asian foods (because they’re the yummiest!), yet every day my mum tells me “Dad won’t eat that, I’ve taken a pie out for him, so you can make him some chips to go with it”, or “I’ll get chippy on my way home for your Dad”. Why won’t he eat it? He hasn’t even tasted it yet! Yes I snack on some terrible foods and I’m under no illusions that my diet isn’t the best, but my main meals are decent. I am constantly trying new foods, healthy swaps, mainly because I don’t want to end up like my Dad, and to create new foods that are tasty and nutritious, but these efforts are constantly thrown back at me. Now, I’m not stupid. I know that no amount of good food will reverse the effects of his illnesses, I’m no Deliciously Ella, but it might go a long way to prevent any further strokes or debilitating diseases. Surely that’s more important than trying to keep him happy with the British foods he’s accustomed to; one of the worst cuisines in the world in terms of health benefits.

One more thing, anyone feel free to pitch in if you can relate to this…
He’s a lot more ignorant now…and I’ve no idea whether that’s due to the Dementia, or just plain ignorance. You can talk to him and get no response, he won’t even look at you, yet when you pull him on it, he’ll say “I did hear you”. Well why not answer me then!?! ARGH! It is the single most frustrating thing in the world…I hate ignorance. It’s rude, impolite, and if I was brought up with better manners than that, then he should be showing them too.

Claire x

I need to find the old me!

I’ve always taken pride in my appearance. Not to the point that I would refuse to leave the house without a full face of make up, but you know, I’d make myself presentable. That was all through school..college…uni…and then my Dad’s stroke happened, and all that went to pot.
Now I’m finding myself dragging myself out of bed, going downstairs and grabbing a brew and biscuits, and just sitting there until Dad wakes up. No shower, no wash, sometimes not even brushing my teeth. This beforehand, would have absolutely disgusted me, in fact it still does, but I just don’t have any motivation to change things. Even now as I’m writing this, it’s 3pm, I’m sat in pj’s, not brushed my hair, not had a wash, but I’ve eaten 3 bags of Skips, 3 bags of Quavers, some Dairy Milk popping candy chocolate…that’s got to be a record even for me. I know that if I get off my backside to do something about it, then I’ll feel so much better; but it’s getting to that stage.

I need to find a way, a method of thinking that will allow me to get back to the old me…the me that would be up and awake as the sun came up, showering, drying my hair, straightening/curling it as I please, getting my make up on, choosing nice clothes rather than the pj’s and gym clothes I live in these days. I want to have my nails nicely painted, and my eyebrows perfected. To epilate my legs so they are lovely and smooth, use a body polish and moisturiser, maybe even a gradual self-tan to eliminate the pasty white from my skin! I want my feet to be soft and free from dead skin! I just want to be presentable! Any ideas, anyone?

Claire x

Afternoon all :)

So…first post…what to write about. I’ll go into a little more detail about myself shall I? 🙂

As you’ve probably read on the ‘About Me‘ section, I spend my days looking after my father, along with my two beautiful puppies ❤ (They’re 5 and 14 years old, but they’ll always be puppies in my eyes).  I’m living at home with my parents, along with my partner, who is my absolute rock and savior. We’re having a cook-off tonight!  While I usually cook dinner each night, and I absolutely love cooking, I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not the best at it! However, he is an amazing cook, but he works all the hours of the day so hardly ever gets the chance to show off! He’s finishing early tonight though, so out come the aprons! 😀

I don’t really have any hobbies or interests to be perfectly honest…I try and get to the gym as often as I can, usually 4-5 times a week. You just can’t beat CrossFit for relieving stress and releasing endorphin’s! It’s a shame I have immensely bad eating habits, otherwise I’d look like Camille Leblanc-Bazinet (serious girl-crush…google her!). I’ve taken up colouring as a stress reliever too, my mum bought me ‘The Secret Garden’ for Easter instead of an egg! But I need new pencils, the ones I have aren’t very good on the paper 😦

Well…that veered off track a little, my train of thought has a mind of its own unfortunately, you’ll probably notice with following posts. I feel like I’ve spent ages waffling on with myself, I’ll try to keep it brief in future!

Claire x